Weary

I am weary. It’s that more-than-sleep-can-cure kind of tired. I think stress and worry and a myriad of other emotions have joined forces and are currently seeping into my bones. I feel like the lobster that didn’t notice the heat was being cranked up until the water was boiling.

Friends offer plenty of advice. I am told to rest. To relax. To stop worrying. To pray. But I insist I can keep going. Mainly because I know it could be so much worse.

I remember bad times. I remember truly feeling like the weight of the world was on my shoulders. I remember thinking that if I stopped for even a second I would be buried alive. This isn’t one of those times.

As backwards as it sounds, I think it’s harder to rest now.

It has always been easy to cry out to God in the midst of tragedy and despair. In times where I really feel like I need help. When I’m in so deep that there’s no doubt I can’t make it alone.

But when the waves aren’t so rough? When I’m just an ordinary housewife having a run of the mill bad day? That’s when I’m not so good at crying out.

Even after all these years, I’m still quantifying my needs and my pain and my hurt and my mistakes and my desires. Then I measure those against the jar of grace that I imagine God has for me. And these are my thoughts:

Should I waste one of those precious gems on this?

There are people really hurting. Am I selfish enough to ask Him to help me?

I just asked for grace (a month ago, last week, yesterday, this morning) do I dare ask for it again now?

Most of the time, my worries and needs get a “no” to all three questions. So I put my chin up and keep struggling on my own until the problems are so big that they pass my “worthy” test.

The bad news is that I have two images in my head: 1- a quickly depleting jar of grace and 2- me on one side of a balancing scale and the world on the other.

The good news is that those are images of my own creation. They are not what God has said or done or promised.

He didn’t leave a list of approved reasons why we could engage with Him. He didn’t give us a set number of appointments. He didn’t suggest we try any home remedies first. He gave us an open invitation. An unlimited amount of opportunities to rest and be comforted by the ultimate Healer. And that is what I’m trying to focus on.

“Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-29

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One Comment to “Weary”

  1. i can relate. over a year ago i confided in a friend that God was too generous with His grace. how stupid does that sound? when i find myself trying to do this -what ever THIS is-on my own i will pray for you too.

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